• Firstly, nuns of Trappist monastery of Gedono, Salatiga, Centra Jawa. The abbot of the abbey, Sr. Martha Driscoll, OCSO, harshly criticized me of being trapped in my self-delusion, guilty feeling and distrust. “If God does not reject you, why you reject yourself terribly”, she said. She was totally right. It eventually served as a counseling of being aware of God’s constant love, that he accepted me all the time in many different ways, that I was not aware of.

• Three years ago, I was doing my annual retreat privately, guided by Sr. Margareth Liem, from Good Shepherd Community, Marymount, Singapore. Being a spiritual expert herself, I believed she could easily notice my struggle at the moment. After days of listening and guiding, she summed up the six day retreat with one single sentence: “It is the time to leave your comfort zone of grief and emerge with new identity.” After quite a long searching, that identity emerged, quoted from the late Vicar Apostolic of Lesser Sunda, Mgr. Henry Leven, “O Crux Ave, Spes Unica” – Hail, the Cross, our only hope.

• That struggle to grow and maintain that new identity, keeps me searching the meaning of life and resources needed to support them. Intellectually, I am able to read many books and journals. Some spiritual advisers step up with helpful materials. Among many, there was a small book entitled “Tanda Mata” (The Souvenir), with many essays by Ms. Stephie Kleden-Beetz, a long time journalist friend mine. It was really a souvenir, because I accepted them just a day before my ordination anniversary. The first article, “Hari Berganti Hari” (From Day to Day), is concluded with a beautiful paragraph, which I freely translate here. “I stood at the gate of the new year, dark and uncertain. I called the guard and said, ‘Give me a lamp so I am able to steadily walk into to that dark tunnel of the New Year. He looked at me and calmly said, ‘Please walk in! The tunnel is surely dark, but do not be afraid. Put your hands in the hand of God. It is brighter and more reliable than a thousand candles.”

Today, I stand here, more confident with the never ended presence of God’s mercy and compassion. Instead of dumping me out of priesthood, he compassionately calls me back without condition, healing my brokenness and offers me a new chapter of life. Instead of pitying me he encourages me to face the world with new spirit and redefined identity. Instead of entertaining my pride he inspires me with new challenges and spiritual discovery, which I appreciate more than I used to. Now I realize, this is the line of Divine Mercy, how his mercy is endless, unconditional, pure and totally dedicated for my spiritual renewal. His mercy was there, is here and will always be in my life. I have simply not been aware enough.

Epilog

Reconciliation might be demanding and painful, but could you imagine a better society with peace and harmony without it? We are here to share the spiritual inheritance we have gained throughout our spiritual pilgrimage, based on our distinctive backgrounds. Yet we consider everyone as brother or sister, simply because we share the same spirit of mercy. For centuries, our Mother Church has been illumined by the Holy Scripture, the Word of God, the base of all Christian teaching, worship and ministries, arts and science, etc. Yet God still grant us a special revelation through St. Faustina, from which we are no enjoying the richness of Divine Mercy in our time. Many have said, and I totally agree, that this is a prophetic revelation that reminds the whole world, that we lack of mercy in our society today. God has constantly poured out his mercy in many different forms, among which the Sacrament of Reconciliation is one of the deepest and intimate ways. Our task is heavier, as we have to proclaim the mercy of God through reconciliation to many nations, who no longer care the value of peace and harmony.

Facing all these, would we step back? Surely not! We should move forward, fully believing in Jesus, the Divine Mercy, the only one we rely on in doing our mission. I have a dream, that one day people from different nations will stand firm and fulfill the vision revealed to St. John.

“After this I saw a great crowd, impossible to count, from every nation, race, people and tongue, standing before the throne of the Lamb, clothed in white with palm branches in their hands, and they cried out with a loud voice: Who saves but our God who sits on the throne and the Lamb” (Rev 7:9-10).

Is it just an illusion? No, it is not an illusion but a challenge to overcome. Stand firm and do not hesitate. Put your hands on the arms of Jesus, the Divine Mercy. They are brighter and more reliable than a thousand candles. With the Divine Mercy we will succeed.

Jesus, I trust in you!

Batam, October 7, 2015
The day of Mary, Queen of Rosary